This is NOT what I look like right now.

Before you say anything, let me point out that I am in no way, shape, or form complaining about it. I am committed to sharing what is really happening with you, so that’s what this is.

In the photo here, I remember feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin that I didn’t even notice how amazing that core definition was. Like whoa, that’s incredible.

I was proud, don’t get me wrong, but it was because for the first time in my life I was physically strong and felt better than I had in… Well… Ever.

When I moved to Iowa, a lot of things changed. I went through a lot mentally, emotionally, and physically that needed to happen so I could really heal pieces of my body and soul that desperately needed to see the sunlight and breathe fresh air.

The past 2 years I peeled back more layers than I knew I needed to and man, has it been so worth it.

If you’ve been following me for a while you know that I am a hard gainer and have struggled to be healthy and not sick all of the time for more of my life. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone, not even my worst enemy. And during the process of getting from skinny and unhealthy to what you see here I had to basically go into a rigid way of eating, sleeping, and hydrating. I always had to be rigid with my eating so I wasn’t sick all of the time but to get to build so much muscle, I had to turn up the dial even more.

In the process, my body wasn’t digesting food properly, which added to my problem of trying to keep on weight.

Basically, my body was under a lot of stress to consume a mass amount of calories and I was mentally causing that physical stress.

So, over the past year I’ve stopped.
I’ve removed all of the rules I used to cling so strongly to and have replaced them with a pure form of intuitive eating that is nothing like what people perceive that concept to be in social media (I’ll talk more about that later).

And in the process established a mind body connection I never knew existed.

I’m happy to report that I am now the heaviest I have ever been. I have rested. I have recouped. I have re-established habits and am focused on real, soul based nourishment above all else. Over the past 4 months I’ve successfully gained 16 lbs. That’s more than when I was squatting 225 lbs and eating 3k calories a day.

All healthy. All clean and most importantly, all sustainable.

It’s not been easy. I have a lot of stories I’ll be sharing soon along with more pictures of my process. Right now I’m focused on continuing to love my body as it grows and am excited to re-establish a training routine with this new foundation of flow.

Stay tuned. It’s about to get even better.