Life isn’t always beautiful….. but isn’t that the point?

Life isn’t always beautiful…but isn’t that what makes it so beautiful in the first place? It’s in the navigation of what happens around you, to you, for you…that you get to fully experience what it has to offer in the first place.

These past several months have been difficult to say the least and this morning I broke down into tears thinking about it, and acknowledging the frustration that comes from feeling helpless in some of these moments. As I was thinking about it, I knew in my heart that I needed to tell you.

I needed to find a way to tell you about the things that I juggle (I used to say ‘battle’ but who wants to walk around in a state of always having to hold up a sword and shield? Not me).

Another truth is, I’ve gotten pretty good at this, the regulation of the two, the straddling of the line…but I still have that voice that sometimes stops me from saying it…why? Because I never want to sound like I’m complaining.

BUT I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO BE REAL HERE.

In February, I started the first of a long series of dental procedures that I’m still enduring, causing consistent pain and discomfort since, including an extensive surgery just a few weeks ago. Just when I start to heal, it’s time for the next one and it’s taken its toll on my mental and physical well being. At the end of the day, it will be worth it.

In March I took on a new client, revamped my other business, and increased my working hours to increase productivity for a 90-day window to get things to a place I wanted them to be. It’s been managed way better than I ever have managed them before AND it’s been hard, it’s been a lot to navigate and rest from…also worth it.

In April, I started to feel sick like I used to. As consistently as I used to. So the extra efforts and work necessary to get that straight started, while also dealing with dental surgeries, a shoulder injury, sick parents, Tony starting a massive project I’ve helped with at the house, and all the extra work. The toll was taken but I was impressed by how I handled it. Also worth it.

In May, everyone was born in May so the festivities started the last weekend in April. Every weekend was booked, several week day evenings were filled, and we took on a family member. It was only a few days but the added energy mixed with my ramping up to a full anxiety, full hypoglycemic episode made the perfect storm that lasted for days of me being ill. It takes weeks for me to feel normal again after those things happen.

The day I started feeling normal again is the day I had my surgery. Which was more extensive than they expected and took much more recovery time than expected and planned for.

During this all three of my dogs have had health issues, all needing extra, unplanned trips to the vet, treatments, meds, extra time from me to care for this. The stress from the dogs might have been the worst part because they can’t talk and it hurts my heart that I can’t just fix them up and make them better so quickly.

Here’s the facts – I’ve sustained this all better than I have ever sustained anything in my life. Without knocking myself into the ground, without having to stay in the hospital, and most importantly without being a total and utter asshole to myself in my head about how much I “wasn’t able to do” during this time.

Because the other fact is, everything has been handled. Everything is good. Everything’s up to par. That voice just isn’t right and through these last 5 months, I’ve successfully started to acknowledge where she’s coming from AND quiet her down. She’s lower than she’s ever been before.

That is a big accomplishment.

What I love about myself is that I never complained about any of it.

My boundaries were tested and I held strong to them (like 97% of the time).

My trust in myself was tested and boy oh boy did I strengthen it MORE THAN EVER.

Today, my heart is heavy and that’s what led me to write this all down.

My job in business is to help people navigate through the things life throws at them AND to grow through it all. I also take on that role in a lot of my relationships in my personal life, something I have to keep very, very guarded otherwise it takes over my existence and I’m no good to anyone.

Today,

Mac is in pain and we don’t exactly know why yet and that hurts me.

Tony’s fear of anything happening to Mac has obviously affected his mood and energy, which is a lot.

My team has been facing a lot of their own crazy hard things in their lives as well, which not only makes work hard, but more importantly, just hurts because I hate to see them hurting and I can’t fix it for them.

I have several friends, family, and clients dealing with really hard things, life altering things, and it’s heavy.

Physically, I feel really good today, better than I have in a while.

Spiritually, I feel more connected to the earth, to my soul, and to the support, than I have before (which plays a big role in my sustainability in this crazy thing we call life and the level I choose to operate at.)

Mentally, I feel solid. This is why no matter what is happening, even if it feels like “nothing”, I believe in having counsel. I speak to my therapist once a week, one coach every 2 weeks, another coach once a month, and my psychiatrist once a month.

Why? Not because I’m mentally ill or unstable, but because I believe in healing, I believe in having support, especially when it’s your job to support so many others. I’m of no good to you, my family, friends, clients, kids, or the world if I’m not well, if I’m not supported.

Without the training I’ve had and the support of these people, all of the weight of the circumstances I’ve listed above probably would have broke me, or at least knocked me down a notch or two….maybe a notch that would have taken me months or even years to get back up from… unfortunately, some people never do get back up from a hard time that’s fallen on them.

So I ask you to seek refuge in a support team. Find people that are not only compassionate and caring but also educated and safe to help you, guide you, and just stand near you when you need them to.

Keep moving forward. Life is life, friend. It won’t ever stop happening, you can just create more spaces to do it your way as you go.