Once upon a time when I went all in on this business, I made the very intentional decision to not use my relationship as a factor for anyone to choose me.
I never wanted anyone to decide to work with me because of the influence Tony has in this town, or the world for that matter.
As a result, our relationship was never a main topic of conversation…ever. In a world I’ve created where I tell you about my experiences, my insights, my fears, growths, and everything in between… he and I stayed private.
I could tell you that it stayed private because we were trying to keep our personal lives out of the limelight or whatever you’d like to label it but that’s not it at all. The truth is, I let that first notion become so deeply important to me that I just didn’t include that as part of my message.
Recently after sharing new positions of my power and what I’m doing, one of my most trusted confidants and friends called me up to ask me if I realized that I still wasn’t talking about a part of my life that made me EVEN MORE POWERFUL.
Well, now that I think about it…no, I wasn’t intentionally NOT sharing about the man I’ve chosen time and time again to share this life with. In the process of fully letting go of all of the “rules” I’ve created for myself over the years, I didn’t let this one go. I didn’t even realize it was still there.
Here’s the thing… standing in a relationship like the one we had before, the one we’ve transitioned through, and into the space that we are in now is something that makes me even more powerful than any of you know.
Building sovereignty in myself next to a man that needed to do the same, and has committed to doing just that is a part of the journey that has only increased my power and strength in ways I wasn’t expecting.
Navigating through the things that make it different, loving a man like him adds to that power.
Allowing the course to run, to guide, to separate, to come back together, to say “this is a big FUCK no”, to hear “I’m shifting here so that never happens again”, and then SEEING that change… all things that I don’t share yet I’ve conquered with a level of style and grace that I don’t give myself credit for.
Acknowledging ALL parts that make you the creature you are and allowing that to shine through in all that I do is something that can allow a different level of freedom.
And I must admit that at one point or another I was more concerned with being known only as JAMIE and/or finding the “perfect” man was something that took over. Both of those notions lead me down interesting paths.
You see, I think I’ve done a pretty good job of being known for being Jamie, not for the woman standing next to the last real enforcer the NHL ever knew.
And that path looking for what I thought a “perfect” man or relationship would be, well that took me on the best, most twisted ride I never knew I needed. Was it orthodox? Nope. Was it pure and clean? Nope.
Was it everything that ever needed to be part of my experience so I could find myself in the place I am right now?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
I’ve known many loves in my life. I’ve followed a nudge that led me across the country or town. I’ve moved, I’ve fulfilled soul contracts, I’ve burned it all to the ground and the one constant through it all has been ME.
The woman that I’ve built. The woman I’ve refused to give up on. She’s risen through it all. Fully unattached to anything other than ME.
It scares the hell out of most people, but not him.
Once he was able to see where I had risen to, he had a choice to make. He either had to rise to meet me fully, in all ways… Or he had to fully let me go. A decision that I was okay with going either way. I trust that I’m always exactly where I’m supposed to be now and I let the universe and others do what they needed to do while I continued being me, building myself, becoming more and more rooted in myself, while I continued to get further and further away from any sense of co-dependency that possibly still lingered.
And guess what? He chose to see where I was and desired to be the kind of fully open man who can stand next to a woman like me. He has shown up in ways I never knew I needed. He has shifted in ways that, if you know the stubbornness of this man, I never thought possible.
It’s incredible.
I honestly don’t have words to describe it.
Since I let go of anyone else’s opinions, anything that society said a relationship “should be” and what it needed to happen, I’m in utter fucking awe at this union. The space in the world that I’ve allowed to fully bloom.
Letting go and allowing has continued to be my greatest teacher….and ultimately, my greatest provider of life unfolding that sometimes still feels surreal. The unfolding has proven to be the most magical and transformative part of it all.
The work is real in all of this.
But strangely, so is the ease.
My power as a woman stems only from me. AND I stand next to an incredibly powerful man. Fully individually sovereign joined together only by a choice.