A couple weeks ago I caught myself saying, “Ya, I take really good care of myself.”
And I felt everything inside of my body rejoice. So deeply, so profoundly that I’ve thought about it several times since.
Why?
Because it’s TRUE.
Why?
Because I’ve never really accepted that as truth before.
You see, after a lifetime of trying everything possible to keep myself feeling well I created a lot of “tools”, a lot of rules that I held myself to like a drill sergeant, detrimentally beating myself up if I failed, if the things didn’t work, if I was off just a little and got sick.
I blamed myself.
What I didn’t realize was in the midst of doing that for 20 years, I created rage inside of me….against my own body.
I created pockets of emotion that manifested into pain and relieved themselves due to me not actually listening to what my body was trying to say it REALLY needed all along.
She’s starting to trust me now…I almost said again but I’m not sure she ever has. And I don’t blame her honestly. We did what we both thought was right out of desperation to try and be remotely physically “normal”.
I am now committed to letting go of the tension though.
I’ve taken away the harsh and strict rules around what she needs.
I’ve put down the swords and quit fighting her.
I’ve started listening.
I’ve stopped blaming her.
I’ve stopped blaming me.
Because the truth is, I take exceptional fucking care of myself and I have for a long long time, I just never looked at it that way before because I wasn’t listening, therefore she stayed in the ugly cycle of illness.
Who would have thought the journey I would need the most was the one where I decided to finally walk as one with my own body?
Where I started to believe her as much as this beautiful, logical, mesmerizing brain of mine.
The journey continues… and we’re in it together… my body and me.