Something I do every day like clock work is look at my history. The memories on Facebook are cool and I like to see them and be motivated by my own previous content but man, my history on Snapchat stories is where it’s at.
5 years ago, I decided to commit to documenting my life on snapchat stories. And MAN did I rock that shit. It’s incredible to see the memories from 3-4 years ago. The energy and vibe I possessed was nothing short of contagious and I must say, it impresses me.
But then there’s this part of me that’s like…..wait-where did that girl go?
I know that might sound strange but I will do my best to explain.
Yes, I’m doing all of the things all of the time and rocking life. Yes my business is growing, my relationship with T has transformed, I’m technically healthier than I have ever been, I love my home, my wealth is accumulating, I have meaningful friends. Things are good.
BUT the energy and commitment I see in myself 4 years ago is…..DIFFERENT.
It feels more, um natural maybe? I really can’t put my finger on it but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a couple of months now because I fucking MISS being like that.
High energy. High vibes without trying. Committed to training every day. Committed to eating a certain way. Committed to cooking every day without it feeling like a chore.
Funny thing, back then I would sleep like a ROCK too. Now I have to take medicine to help me sleep through the night. Granted, that’s because of some depression based things that I’m healing but still dude. I miss that version of me.
As I started to brainstorm things that it “could” be I noted…
-I did turn my life upside down to go be a wife and mother for a year, that makes sense for a bit of the time but not for it to still be a factor. That’s healed, like for real for real and I’m damn proud of that.
-There was a pandemic…. ya but my life didn’t change all that much when the world shut down. If anything, I was inspired by the circumstances. I got into gardening. I made more meaningful attempts at relationships. I healthily gained weight and kept it on for the first time. I healed a LOT. That’s not it.
-My trainer moved away….. I’d like to say that if the gyms were still open and Brent was still here standing at Golds waiting for me that I would still be as enthusiastic about training but I’m not really sure that that would even be the case anymore.
Every potential thing, sure we could make it fit if we wanted to but the fact of the matter is, none of that fits. or feels right.
I keep going back to the thought that maybe I sunk so deep into the role of living like a total Goddess and never doing anything I didn’t want to do has made me a bit…unmotivated for parts of the circle of Intentional Living that if I’m being honest… I’ve been just calling it in for a while now.
(“just calling it in” meaning doing the bare minimum, not enthusiastic, checking it off the list with no real intention or enthusiasm)
Before you say it, I know as humans we cycle through phases. I’m also not at all complaining. I’m also not at all looking for you to offer any suggestions about “just doing it” or any of that jazz. I’m simply sharing this because I needed to say it out loud. I needed to put it out there. I needed to voice it here because well, there’s probably someone else who is experiencing this type of thing too. OR has in the past and may find comfort in the knowing that they are not the only one.
In my experiences, when I name something in this sort of way… It tends to start to shift.
And its not about training or working out. That’s not even the thing.
It’s about the enthusiasm. It’s about the energy levels.
It’s about the feeling I used to have every day.
I’m not making any excuses. I’m not making any declarations. I’m simply acknowledging that I have noticed a serious shift in my day to day operations that I’ve been “stuck” (for lack of a better word) in for 2-3 years now.
And that is OKAY.
There is nothing wrong with that.
AND I’m done with that now. It is no longer welcome here and something has to shift.
To me, part of being a Badass Goddess Queen is having super high vibes and enthusiasm in the way I used to, along with all the other skills I’ve acquired along the way. It goes together.
So back to the roots I go. Back to THOSE basics.
And before I go, let me note that Jamie 4 years ago had NO clue how fucking bad ass and powerful she was.
More of that. Please and Thank you.