Is happiness with someone else in my life even an option for me? I cannot help but ask myself this….No matter what situation I allow myself to get involved in I always search for something that is wrong, something that makes me run away. but when there is a situation in front of me that is obviously a bad idea and is clearly something I should run from, I can’t seem to make myself do it. Maybe it’s the stubborn in me that makes me want to always prove a point. Or maybe I just have to figure it out on my own. I have always learned every lesson in life the hard way but why? I’m not stupid, I can normally see this shit from a mile away. Why must I always jump in anyways? It all goes back to “Well maybe he sees how amazing I am, maybe this will be one in a million, that fairy tale” It sucks to admit that no matter how strong I am or I seem to be I am still guilty of the stereo-typical Disney story ideas. Its pathetic.
I blame it on fairy tale movies and stories growing up. These stories and movies fill young girls heads with happily ever afters and ideas of how life and love should be. and then boy band and country songs are just as bad, you hear these songs sung by these amazing men that tell of how much they love a woman and how well they treat them and make their dreams come true. False. men do not think that way. they do not do things like you see in movies or hear in songs. its all a false idea that’s implanted in the brains of woman at a very young age, destined to fuck us up for the majority of our lives.
I’ve believed in love for so long, I’ve seen it at its best my entire life. My parents are the spitting image of true love, they’ve been together since they were 17 and have worked through everything that’s been thrown at them. They have made me believe that love truly can conquer all. Problem is, I don’t know if that’s in the cards for me…
Every time I put my guard down and allow myself to trust in love and actually get close to anyone it blows up in my face. And at that point I have so much time invested that I fight, fight way longer than I should, putting up with way more than anyone else would. doing this until things get ugly and are broken beyond repair. My reasoning always was, ‘well cant say I didn’t give it a shot’ Well I have learned that dragging things out just makes them worse. I have learned to be up front and honest and blunt as I can. I try to follow my instincts and keep myself as far away from pain and heartache as I possibly can but its hard. When I love, I love with all that I have. Which is dumb, because when you love like that you get hurt like that; all that you have is hurt.
But then what do you do? Get so cynical and closed up that you can not allow anyone at all to get close to you? Looking at that option I think, well that’s no way to live! But whats the alternative? getting hurt time and time again? picking up the pieces for like 100th time? That doesn’t sound to great either.
I can’t help but analyze all of these situations. I let myself fall a while back, he was great, everyone thought so and things were moving forward and then BAM, he backed out. Turns out he’s more emotionally fucked up than I am. So there I go again, back to square one. Sitting there thinking “what the hell just happened?”
Since then there have been a few truly amazing guys, or so I can tell and ya know what I did? RAN. Ran far away from them. Kept them as far away as possible. I mean, God forbid I try to date someone who actually seems like they might be a good idea for me. That’s just an insane, right?
{I look back and think, wow…I am seriously fucked up}
Moving to the present situation, there I go again…making bad life decisions. I can’t have what I want, so I make shit happen. I do what I have to do to get what I want.. But is it really mine? And is it really a good idea? Of course not! Why in the world would I focus my time and attention on something that is actually a good idea for me. That would just make entirely too much sense. Ha!
I think back to the movie “he’s just not that into you” and can’t help but quote “You’re not the exception, You’re the rule” well isn’t that the god-damned truth. The ugly truth. I know at the end of that film they fall in love and she is the “exception” but that’s just a movie, Not real life. There are no exceptions. That’s all bullshit.
For the last 2 years I have thrown myself into my work. Working a minimum of 3 jobs at a time, trying to keep myself occupied as much as possible. At times I think it helped but then at times I look back and think, I’m still fucked up from the last idiot… this ‘work as much as humanly possible so you don’t think about it at all’ theory hasn’t helped at all. I’m still in the same place emotionally when it comes to relationships. From the outside it looks like my life is fabulous, great house, awesome jobs, nice car, friends and family, cute doggies and a smile on my face always. well that may be true and yes, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I’m not saying my life is terrible because its not. But I am saying that I’m fucked up, emotionally. and I don’t know how to fix it. I used to tell myself… ”Just keep working your ass off and someday, out of the blue ‘your prince will come’ “ Well yeah fuckin right. That’s bullshit and I know it as soon as I say it. They always say, ‘you cant bullshit a bullshitter’ Which is true and why I find it so humorous when I try to bullshit myself. Obviously I know that’s a load of crap!
I guess the whole point of this rant is that I must remind myself that I have learned from my mistakes. And no one deserves more than 1 strike anymore. “Ain’t nobody got time for that shit” {lol} The old saying “fool me once, shame on you.. fool me twice shame on me” stands true here. I’m not going to allow anyone the opportunity to fool me more than once. Sucks to be you. I’m a Rockstar and you obviously don’t know what’s good for you =) *** End Rant***